How to clean your room. (And keep it that way)

Sometimes cleaning your room can be quite an intimidating task, but if you follow these simple steps you too can be a master of your mini-domain.

The first thing you should do is activate your preferred form of entertainment. Be it television, radio, or even youtube videos.

Once this is done you should eat and then use the restroom. This should be done so that you have no reasons to leave the room while in the cleaning process.

The next step is to begin cleaning your room. Start with the section closest to the door and clean it completely before moving on to the next section. Moving away from the door as you clean makes you more comfortable in the room and less likely to run out in the middle of the process.

When you've gotten the whole room clean it's time to sacrifice your soul to the powers that be in order to keep the mess from taking your room a second time.

The first thing you'll want to do next is summon a mythical being. (Like Rumpelstiltskin) Hell, if you summon Rumpelstiltskin himself you can promise him the life of your first (or next) child without taking away from your own life. (Basically your life will be normal except for your room being eternally clean! :D yay!)

Protip: Always read the terms and conditions when planning to accept a mythical contract! Don't want to accidentally give permission to become part of a humancentipad! (Or worse, give away your stuff!)


Well, that's all you have to do! I wish you all the best with your beautiful rooms!

Chicago man withdraws 15 yr old daughter's speaking privileges.

Chicago, Il.- Police receive a call from an incomprehensible lady on Tuesday afternoon. They traced the phone call to a home in the downtown section of Chicago where they find a girl crying while mowing the lawn while the girl's parents sat on the porch drinking lemonade. When police questioned the family about the phone call the parents responded that their daughter had cursed violently at them for shutting off the girl's phone due to an incident a few days earlier when the girl sneaked out of the house.
The mother, Eliza Wrigley (37), explained the situation more thoroughly to police.
"Jenny(daughter) was complaining to Robert(father) about how angry she was about us shutting her phone off. He told her that if she was gonna act like a whiny little bitch, he was gonna give her more to whine about. Then he told her to do the dishes and she started cursing us like you wouldn't believe. So Robert, bless his soul, he said, 'Now hun, I don't care that you cursed, but you are gonna learn that you can't just yell at people when they make you angry.' Then he took her vocal cords so she couldn't say nothing back."

Police told the family that as long as they give the girl's voice back in a week they have done nothing against the law.
Upon hearing this, Jenny stuck her tongue out at the officer.
The officer promptly gave her two extra weeks to go without her voice.

Jenny Wrigley - 15

STYLE. -shing sparkle sparkle-

I swear, ever since I figured out that I'm actually over 50% german I've been absorbing as much as I could regarding german style. Which is, thankfully enough, incredibly easy for me to imitate because they basically wear the same style of clothes I'm used to wearing. -phew- Dodged a bullet there. Thought I would have to go all out and change my ingrained definition of style.

It's pretty easy, if you wanna know what I found out about the style over there I'll tell you now, because I'm not gonna look for it again.

Basically, what they said is that there's a lot of floral print and bright colors with blue jeans, jackets/long-sleeved shirts, and scarves. European people are really big on scarves. I don't know why, but it might have something to do with the fact that they're cute and cozy. Also, if you're like me and you get cold ALL the time it's easy as hell to imitate a style based around the necessary garments for colder temperatures.

Blah blah blah; I'm going german crazy and I have nothing entertaining to say.

p.s. Does it count as being a crazy cat lady if the cats are just in a videogame?

I like to think I'm part cat.

Let's face it, cats are adorable.  It doesn't matter if you prefer dogs because that's not the point. Dogs are cute too, but we're not talking about them.  This post is about cats and what I learned from my cat, Purdy while she was raising me since I was about three.

First off, cats are all different. So are people and literally every other creature that exists on this planet. All I mean is the things I learned from Purdy may not apply to other cats.

Purdy was very vocal (being a tortoise-shell, this was hardly surprising) and her purring sounded just like a motorboat. And she was ALWAYS purring.

Now it would seem that we named her Purdy because of her constant loud purring. Really though, I tried to name her Perdita (yes after the mother dalmatian from 101 Dalmatians) but I was too young to say the name correctly.  What I inferred from this small part of her life was that people will grow into their names. I know that's just ridiculous, but now I can't think of it any other way. And all future cats I adopt will have their name based on a particular trait that I hope they develop.

Other things that Purdy taught me include how to purr and hiss.  It seems that because I was so young when I received her as a pet, she was able to (indirectly) teach me how to imitate her sounds. I can meow, purr, and hiss just like a cat. But, remember that I said all cats are different? The only cat I can ever imitate will be Purdy. I sound just like her because she was the one I learned from. It's sort of like when two teachers are teaching their classes ways to do the same thing differently. The students from each class will only understand how to do 'whatever' in the way they were taught.

Possibly the most awesome thing Purdy ever taught me was how to be a ninja. I was always paying close attention to her, so it was no surprise that I saw how she moved when she was about to pounce. I learned from her how to perform quick actions in a way that prevented someone from even knowing I was about to do anything at all.

So why even post any of this?  Well, I miss Purdy a lot.

But the main point of this post is that "If you want your child to develop the traits of any particular animal, you must present this animal to them at an incredibly young age. Then when they get older, they'll be SO FUCKING COOL."

That's me and Purdy.

My Felt doll

I'm known to dabble in different hobbies from time to time, but ever since I was young I've had a desire to make my own dolls.  (I was certain mine would be better)

Today I finished making a Hero Chaos Chao doll.

That's a reference image.  The person who drew this forgot the halo, but it's close enough.

Here is the doll I made.

Pretty pictures

Just some pictures I've made.

Enjoy.

Comment if you have a favorite, I'd love some feedback. :)

The greatest regret of my life

When I was young, Chuck E. Cheese's was the greatest play place of all time.  Going to Chuck E. Cheese's itself was not my regret, but something happened there that has embedded itself in my conscious mind ever since and I constantly berate myself for what I did, and why.

There were few games there that I could manage to defeat easily.  One of those games was called, "Spider Stompin'"

Familiar?

So, as soon as I had been given my coins, I rushed over to this machine to attempt to win as many times as possible.

When I got there, a boy was already playing the game.  I waited.

The little prick was being a jack-ass and kept playing over and over again.

And then the unthinkable happened.

I made the worst mistake of my life.

I still don't know why I gave a coin to his stupid face.  I've had nightmares about it.
I will never get that coin back.

Say something nice on the internet day!

So I was looking at Alex's Guide to a life well-lived, when I saw that she had a picture for today regarding SSNOTID so I decided, "That sounds LOVELY!"

So here we go.
1. You are such lovely people!
2. Your talents amaze and inspire me!
3. Your kindness gives me faith in humanity!
4. The nicer you are to me, the less I want to kill you!
5. The nicer you are to others makes my heart super happy!
6. If you notice that I'm trying to make these sentences keep going!
7. Only to end in an exclamation mark, I applaud you, because until now!
8. I didn't say a damn word about it and it was a lot harder to figure out, taco!
9. I'm sure you are now confused as to why I randomly said taco, but don't worry!
10. It's not really that important, not like you, you guys are super important, so very nice!
11. I wish these were long numbers, it'd be easier to do than randomly switching their order!
12. You just checked didn't you? I know, that's a stupid joke, but I wanted to try it at some point!
13. So I thought, "why not now?" I think I'll add one more so I don't end this on 13, that's really bad luck!
14. Yay, I can end this with confidence now! Why was I doing this again? Oh yeah! You are all beautiful!!!!!!

Happy say something nice on the interweb day! :D

I've met someone

So recently my mom took me with her to a simple doctor appointment.  Afterwards she wanted to go to Long John Silvers.

So we did, even though I don't really care for Long John Silvers.

But that doesn't matter, because long story short, I met a very cute, clever, and gentlemanly fellow working there and he's going to be mine forever whether he knows it or not.

I just have to make sure he never sees this blog post.

P.S. I am working on the picture I promised last post. It is close to completion Star Wars fans. :D

P.S.S.  ....I am no longer with this person... Oh well...

Passive-Aggressivism

I usually have a tendency to be either completely passive, or completely aggressive.  There are those occasions, however, where I feel one way, but wish to display another.

These are the moments I am being my own form of passive-aggressive.

Lately, when I step outside, I begin to feel agitated by the thought of speaking with someone (who is not a very close friend) for an extended length of time. (An extended length of time being about two minutes.)

So recently most of the only passive-aggressivism I have been displaying has been directed towards Neighbor.

Neighbor really does not like passive-aggressiveness.  She called me rude today.
Which I suppose is true, as even my BFF-Forever has claimed that some of the actions I thought were innocent were actually quite rude.

So I suppose that much can be credited to her.

She should, however, remember that I am her neighbor (who has a blog) and there are quite a few things she has done, and allowed to happen, that are also quite rude and I may very well write an angry blog about them if she does not acknowledge that I simply am not a social maniac like she is and therefore care (and know) little about the common etiquette of day-to-day conversation. -smiley face-

(But Jessie! Why not just be openly friendly?! :D)
(Yes! That's actually a wonderful idea! While we're at it, let's send Boba Fett to a picnic in a beautiful field with Han Solo and Chewy and instantly make them BFF's-Forever!)

And that's how you know.

I'm on anti-depressants.  They make me a happy camper and allow everyone to enjoy my clever company.

But when I forget to take my medicine...

My family notices.
I can't tell you how many times Lauren has asked me, "Did you take your medicine?" after I've been acting like the queen of all that is bitchy.  It's embarrassing for me because when I stop to remember whether I had taken my medicine, I am required to admit that I happened to have missed my daily dose.

And then they all laugh at me.  Which is stupid if you think about it.  Take into consideration, if you will, someone who is extremely annoyed by every little thing that happens.
Then ask her if she's taken her meds. (or, hell, ask her if she's on her period)
I can assure you it is the easiest way to piss her off.

So my point is, I forgot to take my medicine today and only noticed how bad it was getting after Lauren said something and my first thought was, "KILL HER WITH FIIIIIIRE!!!!" (Yes, the extra exclamation points are necessary.)

(Don't worry, I'm fine now.)

(Lauren is okay too.)

The holiday of affection

As I have mentioned before, I have no boyfriend, so obviously Valentine's Day is a touchy day for me.  I'm not one of those people who says they hate the holiday because of whatever bull-crap reason, and I'm not one of those people who wants others to be miserable. (If I suggest ruining the day for others, it's a joke, DO NOT TAKE ME SERIOUSLY)

I like Valentine's Day. I think it's a pretty holiday with a wonderful theme that no one really cares about enough.  I wish the love and affection that people show towards one another was not just reserved to one day, I don't mean, "Oh, my guy better buy me a diamond ring every damn day!" What I mean is, "Oh, he called me in the middle of the day to tell me how much he loved me! He's so wonderful!"

Sure I'm lonely and sure I don't like romance but that doesn't mean I can't wish happiness for everyone else.

Anyway, when my mom and I were shopping at Wal-mart today, we looked at the holiday candy aisle.  I asked for some dark chocolate that I can eat by myself tomorrow(for obvious reasons).

She asked me if I wouldn't rather wait until after tomorrow to get candy.

I thought, "Sure! We can get so much candy when it's on sale! However, I require at least 1 bag for tomorrow."

So she, being the wonderful mother she is, allowed me to pick whatever I wanted.  I got a bag of dark and milk chocolate.  Dark chocolate is the bee's knees!

So anywho,


HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!


P.S. If you are as lonely as me this Valentine's Day, I found a list to use to cope with your loneliness this holiday.
http://www.wikihow.com/Cope-With-a-Lonely-Valentine's-Day




P.S.S. Here's a Valentine for you.

The day I saved the world.

Warning: Foul Language Alert

You've been warned.

Remember that one day a year ago around October, when that old dude said the Apocalypse was the very next day?

No one believed him, including me.
However, the night before his proclaimed apocalypse, I received some math homework.  That by itself is nothing unusual, until you start to acknowledge the fact that my math karma fairy is a cruel bitch.

She usually does this; I complete my homework happily (teacher doesn't take it up), I don't do my homework (teacher demands it and gives double points for half of the questions).

So can you blame me for believing that a similar lose-lose situation was about to take place?
I imagined that it would go something like this; Do my homework (world is destroyed thus making my last hours on earth invalid), or Don't do my homework (the world lives to see another day so my teacher can be utterly disappointed in me).

I chose to save the world, even if it meant disappointing my math teacher.

You're all fucking WELCOME.

The Deer

Born to be wild.

One day, years ago, my family had gone to Applebee's.  When we were leaving, I took note of a motor-scooter with an oxygen tank strapped on the back of it.  I noticed it because it was actually parked in the carry-out parking space right by the door.

I kept my eye on this odd choice of vehicle even when we were settled in to the car.
And then it happened.

An old man came hobbling out of the Applebee's exit and sat himself on the scooter.  It was at this point that I poked my brother in the arm and pointed at the old man.

As soon as the man started.... (i don't know, "scootering"?) away, I began to sing "Born to be Wild".  This caused my brother and I to laugh uncontrollably as the old man scootered away, unaware to the fact that we were mocking him for driving a scooter.

Then our parents yelled at us to stop arguing because they thought we always argued.

That was a fun day.

(I would have made this a comic, but I was too lazy.) Maybe some other day.

Some stupid jokes.

A few months ago, my baby sister kept telling me "Knock, Knock" jokes.  So I decided I would entertain her by making my own joke.

When my brother and I were younger, we had fun by telling a certain stupid joke.  Don't worry, it's not dirty.

Indeed they are, of course, I would assume any sentence using the word "fight" would be "fighting words".
They could also be literal fighting words.

About a 9 on the Awkward scale.

I was at BFF-Forever's house for the New Year's celebration, when I decided it would be hilarious to randomly throw open her fiance's bedroom door to tell him to join the rest of us with the pizza.

So, yeah, that clearly had not gone quite according to plan, but at least he wasn't fully naked.
I would have needed eye bleach.

My Little Hell-raiser.

Two days before Christmas, we held the annual Christmas party at my house.  Thanks to that, I had the ability to invite my BFF-Forever and her fiance to the celebration.  


My BFF-Forever and I were in the kitchen talking as I put away some dishes before the guests arrived.  Her fiance was standing at the entrance to the kitchen while my baby-sister was running around him gabbing about her dolls, her accomplishments, and really anything she could think of.


And then, just as BFF-Forever and I paused in our speech, we heard this exchange.

To this very day I remain clueless as to where she could have heard something like that, and why she would say that anyway.  


I do not think this is the last time I will be mystified by my baby-sister's actions and thoughts.
Hopefully, she'll do something just as hilarious soon, so I can tell you all about it.