My Bad...

I hate bugs.  I especially hate both genders of mosquito and (I know they aren't "bugs") spiders.

Today was a block party in my neighborhood.  I was face-painting for the children when the host of the party, Neighbor, asked me to do a favor for her.

She asked me to fill a bowl with water and handed me a clear, purple chip bowl.

...There was a small spider in it... so I turned away from her and for some reason decided to smash the bowl onto the ground.
It was a plastic bowl so it only had a large crack in it, but it was an off moment for me.
Slamming that bowl on the ground instantly filled me with a painful regret and I truly felt my day was ruined.

I mean, it wasn't even an old bowl.  It was a new $3.00 bowl.  And I turned right around and smashed it on the ground because I saw a spider.

She gave me a different bowl to get the water.  It was when I was filling this other bowl and feeling all down and miserable about my mistake when I realized just how ridiculous I must have looked when I did that.
(And then my best friend tried to console me by mentioning that I could make a blog about it later. This is that post.)

I did not let myself freak out like that again and the rest of the party was a success.
I still cringe about it.  Then I laugh because it was kinda funny.  Then I feel guilty about laughing.
Lather, rinse, repeat.

I even painted Fluttershy on the face of one of my friends.

It could have turned out better without the beard, but it's so perfect anyway that I don't care!

Misleading Letter of Formal Apology

Dear Parents of the deceased:

        I am writing this letter to apologize for the death of your child.  I will not say it was an accident or a mistake on my part, but I am sorry.  I know you must hate me with all your hearts and wish terrible harm would befall me, but answer me this.  Would you allow a trespasser to stand in your bathroom and watch you after you get out of the shower?

        I do not think you would.  You would strike down an intruder the moment you faced them.  I, however, left your child in the bathroom while I ran downstairs to grab a broom.  I could not find one.  So I used a mop instead.  I ran back up the stairs and also grabbed a towel to prevent myself from slipping on the bathroom's wet floor as I fought your child.

        I am sure you are wondering why I keep calling your child "your child".  The answer is simple really.  I have no idea whether your child was a boy or a girl and think you would find it insulting for me to call it the wrong one.  It also may have seemed insulting to admit to that, but let's ignore that and get back to my recollection of the event.

        I entered the bathroom with my mop and towel, ready for a fierce struggle.  At first, I had no idea where your child had gone but I knew it must still be in the bathroom.  I scanned the room, looking for any sign of your child.  Then I found it!

        Your child was clever, I'll give you that comforting thought.  It was hiding behind the bathroom lamps.  I scared your child out of it's spot with the mop and it launched itself across the room towards the door.  It fell to the ground right in front of the door and I smacked the mop down on top of it.

         I thought that was the last of it, but when I knelt down to your child to carry it's corpse out of my bathroom it started dragging itself away from me.

        So I crushed some toilet paper on your child and tossed him in the toilet.

        I am sorry if my recollection of the event pains you.  I am also sorry if you never see this letter; I would also be quite surprised if you did considering they don't make computers for stink-bugs.  I digress.  Your child may have been the greatest stink-bug in existence, but he made a mistake by spying on me in the shower and I just will not tolerate that kind of behavior.

        If you still despise me and wish to attack me, all I have to say is this.

        I will see to it that all of your trespassing relatives will meet the same fate as your child did!  I am the stink-bug DESTROYER!  I will annihilate all of you to the fullest of my ability!

My condolences,

Jessica Turley

P.S. If you wish to find your child's body, go to any cheap restaurant or gas station and enter their bathroom facilities.  When you are inside you will see many toilets.  But these are not normal toilets.  They are really fun water rides!  I am sure you will find your child's body if you ride one.

Canadia

On Friday, one of my friends decided that, to her, I was now Canadian.  I decided to promote this for the whole weekend by changing my profile picture to the Canadian flag and saying "Eh" all the time.

I know that is very retarded and stereotypical.  (But it was funny)
I apologize to any Canadians who were displeased with my actions.  I'm friends with a Canadian... If that helps any... She was also accidentally an illegal immigrant.  They found out when she went for her license.  Don't worry though, she's a citizen now and has been for years.

On Saturday, I believe I gave google a new weird search.

(I looked up "how would a Canadian say, "I'm going to the bathroom?"")
(Also, ironically enough, the Dan vs. Canada episode played on the Hub that night. No joke.)

Anywho, yesterday was my final day being a Canadian.  I celebrated by wearing a sombrero, eating oatmeal for breakfast, and watching the Walking Dead premiere. (I was gonna do two of those things anyway. I love zombies and sombreros. Hm. I want a zombrero. That's awesome sounding.)

Again real Canadians, I apologize.

Although.... I suppose I could let this be punishment for the monster you unleashed on the United States.

Do you know how many Bieber-zombies I've had to kill?! ...Well the answer is none, because zombies don't exist yet.
BUT WHEN THEY DO!!! CANAAAAADAAAAAAA!!!!!

That many?! Awesome!

On Saturday I got 77 a lot of page views. This made me delightfully happy. The more views I get the happier I will be. Unfortunately, I am not a pushy person and would not just promote my blog everywhere I go, so this is probably the largest number of views I will ever really know. Thank you all for giving me these.

Ha! I had to redo the picture because I got more page views! That made me happy and kinda agitated at the same time. (I do not like being required to redo something, even if it DOES help me maintain  accuracy.)


I feel like I should have made the smile bigger...
Eh screw it.

No Post on Sundays