Dear Parents of the deceased:
I am writing this letter to apologize for the death of your child. I will not say it was an accident or a mistake on my part, but I am sorry. I know you must hate me with all your hearts and wish terrible harm would befall me, but answer me this. Would you allow a trespasser to stand in your bathroom and watch you after you get out of the shower?
I do not think you would. You would strike down an intruder the moment you faced them. I, however, left your child in the bathroom while I ran downstairs to grab a broom. I could not find one. So I used a mop instead. I ran back up the stairs and also grabbed a towel to prevent myself from slipping on the bathroom's wet floor as I fought your child.
I am sure you are wondering why I keep calling your child "your child". The answer is simple really. I have no idea whether your child was a boy or a girl and think you would find it insulting for me to call it the wrong one. It also may have seemed insulting to admit to that, but let's ignore that and get back to my recollection of the event.
I entered the bathroom with my mop and towel, ready for a fierce struggle. At first, I had no idea where your child had gone but I knew it must still be in the bathroom. I scanned the room, looking for any sign of your child. Then I found it!
Your child was clever, I'll give you that comforting thought. It was hiding behind the bathroom lamps. I scared your child out of it's spot with the mop and it launched itself across the room towards the door. It fell to the ground right in front of the door and I smacked the mop down on top of it.
I thought that was the last of it, but when I knelt down to your child to carry it's corpse out of my bathroom it started dragging itself away from me.
So I crushed some toilet paper on your child and tossed him in the toilet.
I am sorry if my recollection of the event pains you. I am also sorry if you never see this letter; I would also be quite surprised if you did considering they don't make computers for stink-bugs. I digress. Your child may have been the greatest stink-bug in existence, but he made a mistake by spying on me in the shower and I just will not tolerate that kind of behavior.
If you still despise me and wish to attack me, all I have to say is this.
I am writing this letter to apologize for the death of your child. I will not say it was an accident or a mistake on my part, but I am sorry. I know you must hate me with all your hearts and wish terrible harm would befall me, but answer me this. Would you allow a trespasser to stand in your bathroom and watch you after you get out of the shower?
I do not think you would. You would strike down an intruder the moment you faced them. I, however, left your child in the bathroom while I ran downstairs to grab a broom. I could not find one. So I used a mop instead. I ran back up the stairs and also grabbed a towel to prevent myself from slipping on the bathroom's wet floor as I fought your child.
I am sure you are wondering why I keep calling your child "your child". The answer is simple really. I have no idea whether your child was a boy or a girl and think you would find it insulting for me to call it the wrong one. It also may have seemed insulting to admit to that, but let's ignore that and get back to my recollection of the event.
I entered the bathroom with my mop and towel, ready for a fierce struggle. At first, I had no idea where your child had gone but I knew it must still be in the bathroom. I scanned the room, looking for any sign of your child. Then I found it!
Your child was clever, I'll give you that comforting thought. It was hiding behind the bathroom lamps. I scared your child out of it's spot with the mop and it launched itself across the room towards the door. It fell to the ground right in front of the door and I smacked the mop down on top of it.
I thought that was the last of it, but when I knelt down to your child to carry it's corpse out of my bathroom it started dragging itself away from me.
So I crushed some toilet paper on your child and tossed him in the toilet.
I am sorry if my recollection of the event pains you. I am also sorry if you never see this letter; I would also be quite surprised if you did considering they don't make computers for stink-bugs. I digress. Your child may have been the greatest stink-bug in existence, but he made a mistake by spying on me in the shower and I just will not tolerate that kind of behavior.
If you still despise me and wish to attack me, all I have to say is this.
I will see to it that all of your trespassing relatives will meet the same fate as your child did! I am the stink-bug DESTROYER! I will annihilate all of you to the fullest of my ability!
My condolences,
Jessica Turley
P.S. If you wish to find your child's body, go to any cheap restaurant or gas station and enter their bathroom facilities. When you are inside you will see many toilets. But these are not normal toilets. They are really fun water rides! I am sure you will find your child's body if you ride one.
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